Groaners I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're
stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Question - Are there too many immigrants in the United States? 17% said yes; 11% said No; and 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." Or “No speaka engrish.”
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator asks how he knows. He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
My girlfriend says she thinks I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went back to the Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Pissing Incident The objective of war is victory. Obviously our politicians and military leaders have forgotten this simple theme since WWII. The following was sent by a former Marine who served both in Korea and Vietnam ... more>>
Life is like... Life is like a penis - simple,relaxed and hanging free ....
... It's women who make it hard !!
Happy and Sad A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology. It was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She looked at him thoughtfully and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
Aptitude Test The following question is from the career placement test given to college applicants for a military commission:
“Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect?”
Those who answered “SPINE” went to medical school... the rest went to pilot training.
No sex since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely idealistic young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch and said, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." more>>
Advice for an old guy I might be 60, but I'm in pretty good physical condition.
I was working out in the gym one day, when I
spotted a sweet young thing...
There was trainer standing near-by, so I asked him
what machine I should use to impress her.
The trainer looked me up and down and said
"try the ATM in the lobby."
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year... more>>
Reality Bites As I lifted my glass, I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend: "That's us in 10 years."
He looked over and sighed. "That's a mirror, dip-shit!
Airport Security Device The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armoured booth that you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"
Ain't it the truth Let's face it! After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says... W - T - F.
Hypnotist at the Seniors Centre It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".
The audience hushed in anticipation as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center …
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
Getting Old? Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but that they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure...' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it? 'He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries..' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs... She stares at the plate for a moment, then says 'Where's my toast?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Well why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art... It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’
Will, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Will and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Will replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
My Favr'it Cow, Bessie A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'... more>>
Teaching math over 5 decades Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why? Read on: more>>
The Galaxy, by Monty Python We are on quite a ride ..... turn up the sound. It's not over till it asks if you want to view again.
This clever piece originated in Australia . It is so very well done most folks don't realize how much info he is sharing! Just click on the link. Photos by NASA.
Click here: Galaxy Video
Redneck Solution A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
Goosey Love Story There once was a goose named Maria... more>>
Good Question "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
– Billy Connolly
Ain't it the truth A police recruit was asked during the
exam, 'What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?'
He answered: 'Call for backup.'
Gas Prices Yup, gas prices are definitely getting out of hand!
This gas station owner truly understands...
New Seat Belt Law This became effective Mar 1, 2011.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed.
Please pass on to family and friends.
This can really SAVE LIVES and lower blood pressure by 40%
View link for proper installation. more>>
Make the most of your life There are five things that you cannot recover in life:
(1) The Stone..........after it's thrown,
(2) The Word...............after it's said,
(3) The Occasion......after it's missed, and
(4) The Time............after it's gone.
(5) A person...............after they die
Stay in touch with those who matter to you
Mountain Trail in Spain. Let's hike! The entrances for this trail are closed but not policed. It was built in the 1920s for hydro workers. There is no rail but there is a chain to hold onto... but it doesn't hold much weight and several people have fallen to their deaths. This is an amazing walk! This video is 6 minutes long. more>>
ouch... The Government has announced its intention to make claiming unemployment benefits more difficult. Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English only.
Cruel Joke While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then he made the earth round.
Joke of the Year Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Spelling Here's proof that one spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband texted his wife while away on a business trip and left off an 'e' at the end of one word...
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her"
Military Service A Canadian Soldier, a Sailor, and an Airman got into an argument about which branch of the service was "the Best". The arguing became so heated the three service men failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
Soon, the three found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the three servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the Canadian Forces is the best?"
Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."
Sometime later, the three friends see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note. Trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the three servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE
TO: All former Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen
SUBJECT: Which Military Service is The Best
1. All branches of the Canadian Forces are honourable and noble.
2. Each serves Canada well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the Canadian Forces represents a great honour warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm regards,
GOD,
RCAF (retired)
A Picture is Worth 1000 Words The Perfect Suit..............$800
Media Attention ..............$4000
Standing in the right place at the right time..... PRICELESS
Dear Lord My prayer for 2011 is for a
fat bank account and a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
– Amen
Incredible Basement 1895 "Life is what you make it," says John. This 30-year project will bring you back in time. more>>
Click 'More' (below) to read Marvin's views on life more>>
Somethin' Sexy Passing by Ned's shed one day, George sees Ned through a gap in the door... he seems to be doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides his right welly off, followed by sensuously the left.
In a classic striptease move, he lets his braces fall from his shoulders, dangling by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checkered shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained vest underneath, and with a final flourish he hurls his cap onto a pile of hay.
'What on earth are you doing Ned', asks George.
'Lord tunderin' jayzuss, ye frightened the livin daylights out o' me' says an obviously embarrassed Ned,
'me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'
International Terror Alert LevelsReported by John Cleese Feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, Britain has therefore raised its security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." This is serious, as the English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. It should be noted that terrorists have also been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Canada, we are told, has only two official alert levels. "Be Polite" is the one resorted to most often. Reports indicate the higher level of "Hide the Poutine" has never been invoked.
Observations on tactics, firearms and life The most important rule in a gunfight is:
ALWAYS WIN (and cheat if necessary).
Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.
Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, because it's going to be empty.
If you're not shooting, you should be loading. If you're not loading, you should be moving, if you're not moving, someone's gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick.
When you reload in low light situations, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket. If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy... and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."
Don't shoot fast unless you also shoot well.
You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word you think will work, but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language.
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no victory in defense.
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it.
Do something! It may be wrong, but do something.
F16 Dead Stick Landing – engine out This video is of a USAF F-16 dead stick landing into Elizabeth City, NC. See if you can keep all of the radio transmission straight. Probably the calmest voice in the whole mix is the actual pilot of the engine out aircraft. Just a reminder... an F-16 has only one engine. When it goes, you are coming down – it's just a matter of figuring out where. Nice job... cool pilot!
For those not familiar, the EPU (Electrical Power Unit) provides hydraulic
and electrical power in event of failure of the engine, electrical or
hydraulics. The EPU is powered by Hydrazine which decomposes into hot gasses
as it passes across a catalyst bed or engine bleed air (if available). The
hot air passes through a turbine which drives the emergency hydraulic pump
and generator through a gear box..... more>>
Security Statistics Year to date statistics on Airport Screening from the Department of Homeland Security Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 59,350
Natural Blonds: 3
Retirement Bonus The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with it, providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he exclaimed, "where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
Man of the House A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife calmly replied, "My first guess would be the funeral director."
Compassion A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for him.
The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f--ked?'
Breaking into a big smile the man replied, 'No. No. No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Deal with the Devil One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived – surfacing with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"This is no good," said OJ, "I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."
The devil opened a third door. OJ saw Bill Clinton lying on the bed. His arms were tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .....
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Alzheimer's or Parkinson's.... Which one would you rather have?
PARKINSONS of course! Better to spill half your drink than forget where the heck you put it!
Letter to Tide... I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my 50s I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Visiting Grandpa A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" he asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".
"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".
What a Real Woman Does A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...
...
No wait... sorry ...
I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...
Never mind.
Important Women's Health Issue * Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about... more>>
Quiz? This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. "What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?" The answer may surprise you : more>>
Life Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to activate the curse.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A little boy went to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, beause I still have mine.'
Differences The key difference between Europe and America can be seen very clearly in this photo... more>>
Heart Attack - a blonde moment A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
Rushing upstairs, she finds her husband lying naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son calls out: "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the closet & she has no clothes on."
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, cowering naked on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
WHY I'M DEPRESSED Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) William Lyon Mackenzie King said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now Dalton McGuinty has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, food quality, Social Security, retirement funds, HST, eco tax, enviro tax, Hydro increases, smart meters, delivery charges, etc. . . I called Lifeline.
I got routed to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Did You Ever Wonder... ...WHY HURRICANES ARE COMMONLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
...WHY GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder I still really like the army, but... talk about your Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a fuckin' towel wrapped round her head – so I shot her.
Marriage Counceling After 25 years of a sometimes stormy marriage, Eileen and Bob tried marriage counceling. more>>
CF18 vs C130 The age-old competition... who really wins? more>>
Freedom 'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'
'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, that allows the protester to burn the flag.'
Landing an F18 on a pitching ship A must watch... This is very unnerving, landing with deck pitching 30 feet, at night, low on fuel. Incredible. You will never forget viewing these two videos. more>>
A Real Man A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Never mind.
Dilbert Quotes Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but... neither does Milk. more>>
Quotable Quotes A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
- Evan Esar more>>
The Yike Bike Urban freedom? You saw it here first! more>>
It's all in how you look at it A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer... more>>
Soldier impaled by a live RPG, and survived The story is about Channing Moss, who was impaled by a live RPG during a Taliban ambush while on patrol. Army protocol says that medivac choppers are never to carry anyone with a live round in him. Even though they feared it could explode, the flight crew said damn the protocol and flew him to the nearest aid station. Again, protocol said that in such a case the patient is to be put in a sandbagged area away from the surgical unit, given a shot of morphine and left to wait (and die) until others are treated. Again, the medical team ignored the protocol. Here's a short video put together by the Military Times, which includes actual footage of the surgery where Dr. John Oh, a Korean immigrant who became a naturalized citizen and went to West Point , removed the live round with the help of volunteers and a member of the EOD (explosive ordinance disposal) team. Moss has undergone six operations but is doing well at home in Gainesville , GA. I think you'll find this video absolutely remarkable. more>>
London Lawyer vs Glasgow Cop A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. Thinking he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London, and certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop, he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow Cop: 'Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer: 'What for?'
Glasgow Cop: 'Ye didnae come to a complete stoap at the stoap sign.'
London Lawyer: 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow Cop: 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stoap. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer: 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow Cop: 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stoap, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer: 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow Cop: 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
Glasgow Cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me tae stoap, or just slow doon?'
Pub Quiz I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The question was,
"Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently... it's Africa.
Men Strike Back How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it. more>>
Winning the Lotto A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent!" he replies, "I won 12 bucks. Here's $6, now get lost!"
Deep Thoughts Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" more>>
Youth and Treachery One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost... more>>
Why do condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12? A father explains condoms to his son. more>>
Perfect Security Solution for Airports Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners... Have a booth that you can step into that will simply detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling!!!!!
Oh no, two more feet of snow! When will it end? more>>
Canada is a Winter Games wonderland And here came the Canadian. He appeared to be in his late 20s. He was wearing a scruffy beard, a pale bandanna, and wild stare. He jumped in front of Mary Clare on a darkened patch of sidewalk and started shouting. more>>
Why She Changed Hotels Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. more>>
The Cab Ride After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in
her 90's stood before me. more>>
Unbeatable Electric Car Watch as John Wayland's electric car, the White Zombie, leaves high powered gas cars in the dust. John claims that his car is the world's fastest accelerating street legal electric car. See this 1972 Datsun time and time again take advantage of the electric motor's full torque in the first instant and continue to break world records: 0-110mph in 11.96 seconds (electric motorcycle 0-60 in 2 seconds). more>>
2010 Olympics Take THAT, Guardian... the 2010 Winter Games are NOT the worst Games ever. more>>
Words of Wisdom Please consider the following words of wisdom when it comes to dealing with women. more>>
Friends & Helpers When you're stuck in a bad situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember... more>>
Corporate Shake Up Feeling it was time for a shakeup, the Board of Arcelor-Mittal Steel hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a young man leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and the new CEO wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the young man how much money he was making.
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice answered: "Pizza delivery guy."
Honk if you Love Jesus Grandma is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes about an uplifting driving experience. more>>
The 11th Husband A man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she said: "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." more>>
Center for Disease Control The Center for Disease Control has issued a recent medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, manually, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest LCBO and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Q & A Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
14 Reasons why some men prefer Dogs to Wives 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. more>>
Drafting Guys Over 60 The Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. They've got the whole thing backwards. Here's a better plan: more>>
Kindergarten A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.
When Love Fades... Bill was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's' voice cooing from the kitchen.
What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken.."
You're having soup, asshole, I was talking to the cat!
Do the Math What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: more>>
Mustangs and Legends Filmmaker and P-51 Mustang Pilot Chris Woods has put together a wonderful film that captures the emotional reunion between a humble WWII Mustang ace (Jim Brooks) and the historic plane he thought he'd never see again.
Inspired by the flood of memories triggered by this unimaginable encounter with a long lost friend, the 88-year old pilot finally breaks his silence, sharing his stories and experiences of war with the grandchildren who never thought they'd hear them.
Wood's interviews with Brooks, his grandchildren, and other airmen who were touched by the Mustang's role in history are cut together to create a compelling narrative that is framed in stunning high-definition photography. View film: more>>
Canadian/ American Relationship is NO JOKE David E. Meadows, a retired U.S. Navy Captain and the author of numerous military thrillers such as Sixth Fleet, Seawolf, AMERICA, Tomcat, JOINT TASK FORCE AFRICA, and DARK PACIFIC, liken Canada to an independent little brother who will always be there when needed, in this thoughtful piece on the Canada/U.S. relationship. more>>
Military Wisdom A compendium of Lessons Learned, such as "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps more>>
In Legal Terms... A lawyer died and went to Heaven.
Standing before Saint Peter, he argued “There must be some mistake. I’m too young to die. I'm only 55.” “Fifty-five?” exclaimed Saint Peter. “According to our calculations, you’re 82.”
“How did you get that?” the lawyer asked.
Saint Peter answered: “We added up your time sheets.”
Breaking News There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Choosing a Spouse A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Job Requirements A guy goes to apply for a job at the Post Office.
The interviewer asks: "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
"Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
He knows The graveside service had just finished and people were beginning to step back when there was a massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning and even more thunder rumbling into the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well.... she's there.'
Grammar Lesson On his 64th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his
wife. It was for a visit to a medicine man on a nearby Indian reservation, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation handed
his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he would be getting.
The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, said some words in his native language and handed it to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine, and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'."
"When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as
you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and
asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4.'
But when she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife became very excited and began throwing off her
clothes, but then asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition, because you could end up with a dangling participle.
Quickies Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
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An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
SCHOOL – 1958 vs. 2008 Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, expel both even though Johnny started it.
more>>
ALL PUNS INTENDED 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Always Thinking... The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS,' she said.
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Brian and his wife, Connie, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Brian leaned over, touched Connie's’s arm gently, and whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Brian’s life of celibacy.
Las Vegas Hooker A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a
fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own
those. And I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
see that casino just across the street? I own that casino
outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's
worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the after glow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says,
"Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
The naked truth about the future of airline travel The federal government says Canadian air travellers will soon be asked to undergo full-body cavity searches.
The move comes after full-body scanners, of the same type installed in
Canadian airports last year, failed to detect bomb-making materials that a
group of alleged would-be bombers had secreted within their personal body
cavities.
Transport Canada says passenger privacy will be fully protected, because all
individuals being stripped-searched will wear paper bags over their heads,
preventing security officers from seeing their faces.
"We feel this strikes the necessary balance between protecting passenger
safety and avoiding unnecessary traveller embarrassment," said a Transport
Canada spokesman.
Health Canada will compensate travellers by including complementary prostate
exams and PAP smears as part of the inspection process.
"We won't just be striking a blow in the war on terror," said Reductio Ad-Absurdum, said a spokesman with the Prime Minister's office. "We'll also reduce the
burden on our public health-care system by screening early for cervical and
prostate cancer. We think Canadians will be open to the value-added benefits."
While a few civil libertarian academic-types raised concerns about the invasion
of privacy, most of those commenting were
enthusiastic.
"Flying is a privilege, not a right," said one.
"If you don't have anything to hide, why would you object?"
"The world is a scary place," said another. "I don't mind having my government
stick its nose into every nook and cranny."
The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking all local passengers to arrive at the
airport at least five hours before flight time to allow enough time for the new
inspections.
Flushing Out Terrorist Plots In a new policy initiative designed to flush out terrorist plots, Transport Canada
has announced that airline passengers will no longer be allowed to use onboard
washrooms while the plane is in flight.
"Letting people move freely through the cabin, allowing them access to a
private space where they couldn't be monitored, well, it's just too big a risk,"
said Transport Canada spokesman Winston Smith.
Passengers will be required to stay in their seats, with their belts securely
fastened, for the duration of the flight. For short-haul flights, passengers will be
provided complementary adult diapers. Long-haul flyers will be issued personal
catheters.
"We feel this strikes the necessary balance between protecting passenger
safety and avoiding unnecessary traveller embarrassment," Smith said.
While civil libertarians and others soft on terrorism suggested the new policy
was an affront to human dignity, public response was muted.
"This is public safety we're talking about here," said Edmonton passenger Saaphtee Pherst, 52.
"If you have a problem with it, then don't fly."
The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking long-haul passengers to arrive six
hours ahead of their departure time to be fitted for catheters.
Restoring Public Confidence in Air Travel In a move designed to restore public confidence in air travel, Transport Canada
has announced it is moving to align with a new American policy that requires
that all airline passengers be placed in pre-flight cryogenic suspension.
"We believe that flash-freezing will maximize both passenger safety and
passenger comfort," said a federal spokesman. "Ever since we
banned people from taking books, magazines, computers and food aboard
planes, and made it illegal for them to get out of their seats, air travel has
become unduly tedious. This way, we eliminate any terrorism and boredom,
and allow passengers to arrive safe and well-rested, without jet lag. And since
we'll be able rip out the seats and stack passengers like cordwood, we'll be
able to make more efficient use of space and fuel."
Federal spokesman Reductio Ad-Absurdum said cryogenics was a proven technology with minimal health risks.
The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking all passengers to report to the airport 24 hours before their flight for freezing.
Airline files for creditor protection Air UnitedCanNorthWestDeltaKLMVirginJALEl-AlJet, the world's sole surviving
airline, filed for creditor protection this week in the wake of a disastrous
Christmas travel season.
A climate of fear, combined with fears about climate
change, meant no one flew anywhere.
"Flying was no longer exciting or convenient," said business analyst Noitall Pundit. "The Age of the Airplane is over."
Travel Alberta is now asking people to travel by low-carbon donkey instead, and to stay strictly within a 100-mile radius of home.
"Foreign travel is dangerous and overrated. So are foreigners," said spokeswoman Pollyanna Xenophobe. "Alberta is the promised land. Really, no
one should ever want leave it again."
Penguins Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole !!!
What would you do? WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan)
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence -
HUSBAND:
RATS ....
Legal Case in Toronto A seven-year-old Toronto, Ontario boy was at the center of a
Toronto city courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents &
the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents & he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy alleged they had also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family &
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references & confer with
child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
What Causes Arthritis? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Computer Helpline (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: Computer assistance; may I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. Operator: What sort of trouble??
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. Operator: Went away?
Caller:They disappeared. Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing. Operator: Nothing??
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell? Operator: Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt? Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type. Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
What's a monitor? Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know. Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??
Yes, I think so. Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is. Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No. Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay, here it is. Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach. Operator: OK. Well, can you see if it is?
No. Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark. Operator: Dark?
Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't. Operator: No? Why not?
Because there's a power failure. Operator: A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Really? Is it that bad? Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? Operator: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!
What is a bastard exactly ? Often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions like,
"What is a bastard?"
In the photo attached, the guy on the right is a member
of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.
Things you can only say at Christmas 1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
To be 6 again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Football FINALLY makes sense(Blonde) A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!
Papal Humour The Pope and Sarah Palin were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Ms. Palin and said, 'Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? It will not be a momentary display of joy like that of your followers; it will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!'
Plain replied 'I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? I doubt that. You'd have to show me.'
